Disney’s Star Wars hotel to charge $5000 for 2 nights

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Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge
Photo: Gerardo Mora (Getty Images)

If Star Wars has a higher point behind all the fun laser sword fights and last-name-based drama, it’s in the dreams that it’s inspired. Dreams like those of the hoteliers of the Disney company, who dared to ask if they could charge chumps $5,000 for a two-night hotel stay in a fake cruise boat that looks kind of like a spaceship. And reader? Those dreams came true.

This is per THR, reporting on the release of a new trailer today for Galactic Starcruiser, Walt Disney World Resorts’ latest attempt to leverage the Star Wars brand for the greater galactic good of the Walt Disney Corporation. The “Oh, fuck this!” part comes early and obviously, when you dip into the pricing for packages for the 2-night vacation destination, which start at $4,809 for two guests and then only get more exorbitant if you decide to graciously bring your kid along rather than listen to them complain about it for the rest of your life. We’d be lying if we said parts of Galactic Starcruiser—about which, more in a minute—didn’t sound cool, but what they definitely don’t sound cooler than is buying a gently used Honda, or a decent chunk of tuition. But, really, who embodies the spirit of the Rebellion better than the sorts of people who can drop five grand on a three-day vacation, huh? (Sorry, we just started flashbacking to all those people hanging out at the cool casino planet from The Last Jedi, sorry.)

What do you get in exchange for this sizable downpayment? Well, as far as we can tell, it’s all a little bit like if Sleep No More was a corporate-owned faux spaceship sitting somewhere on a disused lot in Florida. For one thing, the whole setup is apparently windowless; rather than let any of that hateful Southern sunshine in, all the windows—including in the cabins—on the Starcruiser will open out onto “space.” (That is, we assume, they’re going to be video screens showing a bunch of Star Wars screensavers.) Every attendee will also have a “databand” strapped to their wrist, allowing the resort to track their movements, and presumably helping to set up all these little “story moments” you’re guaranteed to have, like, you’re walking down a hallway, and maybe Chewbacca pops out and asks you to come help him secure a small business loan. Or maybe it’s like a Rebel mission or whatever, but we think Chewie could probably use the help, right? Guy’s good for it.

Anyway, your “personal story” will play out through all two nights of your stay (at a rate of something like 84 cents per minute of wonder), while you’re busy going to lightsaber training and playing sabacc and also taking shore leave at Disney’s Galaxy Edge park space, just like all the poor schmucks who aren’t paying the cost of several emergency room visits to eat blue shrimp at the Captain’s Table of a fake space captain on a fake cruise ship. (To be fair, there are pictures of the blue shrimp, and they do look pretty cool.)

All of this is, of course, still pretty damn hypothetical, to the point that all the image on the resort’s web page are drawings, not photos—but the numbers are pretty damn real. Galactic Starcruiser is expected to launch—heh—some time in 2022.

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